Nation Celebrates Not Paying for Services It Won’t Receive
In a rare display of unanimous public opinion, millions of American taxpayers have enthusiastically endorsed the latest government shutdown, citing their excitement about continuing to pay for absolutely nothing. The celebration began at midnight when non-essential federal services ground to a halt, prompting citizens nationwide to toast their paychecks vanishing into a void of political dysfunction.
“Finally, my tax dollars are going toward exactly what I always wanted: Congressional stalemate!” exclaimed Hartford accountant Dennis Morrison, raising a glass of champagne he definitely couldn’t afford after calculating his effective tax rate. “Why should I expect functioning government in exchange for 30% of my income? That’s just entitlement.”
The shutdown has been praised for its efficiency in transforming citizen contributions into pure political theater. National parks have closed, but Americans note they can simply look at pictures of parks online, which is basically the same experience minus the fresh air and working ecosystems.
Federal employees facing unpaid furloughs expressed gratitude for the opportunity to demonstrate their non-essential status by not being paid for work Congress will eventually require them to make up anyway. “It’s like a forced vacation where I’m still stressed about bills but can’t actually go anywhere,” explained FDA inspector Maria Chen. “The American dream!”
Economists project the shutdown will cost taxpayers billions in lost productivity and delayed services, money that could have been spent on actual governance but will instead fund the administrative chaos of stopping and restarting the entire federal apparatus. “It’s financial performance art,” noted one analyst. “Expensive, pointless, and somehow everyone’s fault simultaneously.”
At press time, Congress was reportedly close to a deal that would reopen the government for approximately six weeks before repeating this entire circus, because apparently that’s just how democracy works now.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/millions-of-taxpayers-applaud-the-shutdown/
SOURCE: Bohiney Magazine (Millions of Taxpayers Applaud Government Shutdown)
Gina Mann