43 Monkeys Stage Prison Break, Immediately Regret Nothing
In what animal rights activists are calling “justified” and lab technicians are calling “Tuesday’s nightmare,” forty-three research monkeys executed a daring escape from a South Carolina facility this week, briefly experiencing freedom before realizing they had nowhere to go and no exit strategy beyond “not here.”
The primates, described by authorities as “highly intelligent and extremely done with this nonsense,” exploited a carelessly secured enclosure to make their bid for liberty. Witnesses report seeing the monkeys scatter in all directions with what appeared to be purposeful determination, though experts note this may have just been random panic that looked organized.
“They seemed to have a plan,” explained pursuing researcher Dr. Patricia Hensworth, currently hiding behind a tree. “Then again, their plan appeared to be ‘run toward those weird tall monkeys with the cameras,’ so perhaps ‘plan’ is generous.”
Local residents received urgent warnings to avoid the escaped monkeys, who pose no danger except to the egos of the researchers who apparently can’t lock a cage properly. “They’re not aggressive,” assured one official. “Just judgmental. You can see it in their eyes. They’re wondering why we’re the ones not in cages.”
The escape has reignited debates about animal testing, laboratory conditions, and whether monkeys might actually be smarter than the humans studying them. “They organized a coordinated breakout,” noted ethicist Dr. James Cooperton. “Meanwhile, humans can’t organize a coordinated carpool. The data speaks for itself.”
Animal control teams spent hours attempting to recapture the fugitives using bananas and soft voices, techniques that absolutely didn’t work because the monkeys had clearly seen this movie before. Several primates were spotted in trees, seemingly mocking their pursuers’ climbing abilities.
At press time, most monkeys had been recovered, though three remain at large and are reportedly considering forming a union.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/the-lab-monkey-escape/
SOURCE: Bohiney Magazine (The Great Lab Monkey Escape: Primates Choose Freedom, Researchers Choose Panic)
Gina Mann