Former President Plans Monument to Moderation and Understatement
In a move that surprises absolutely no one familiar with his aesthetic preferences, former President Donald Trump has announced plans for a $300 million ballroom that will presumably feature enough gold leaf to fund a small nation’s GDP and chandeliers visible from space.
The proposed venue, described in planning documents as “elegant” and by everyone else as “aggressively ornate,” will reportedly accommodate thousands of guests who enjoy their formal events with a side of overwhelming visual stimulation. Architectural renderings suggest the design philosophy can be summarized as “more is more, and then add more.”
“This will be the most beautiful ballroom in the history of ballrooms,” Trump announced to reporters, deploying his signature superlative style. “People are saying it’s incredible. Big, beautiful ballroom. The best.” When pressed for details about who exactly is saying this, Trump clarified: “People. Many people. Tremendous people.”
Interior designers familiar with the project report the space will feature marble everything, because apparently wood and drywall are for people without ambition. The ceiling alone will cost $40 million, a figure that seems excessive until you remember it needs to support seventeen metric tons of decorative gold.
Critics question whether America needs a $300 million ballroom, while supporters argue this is exactly the kind of economic stimulus the formal events industry desperately requires. “Think of the jobs,” noted one enthusiast. “Chandeliers don’t hang themselves. Well, they do, technically, but someone has to supervise.”
The venue will reportedly host weddings, galas, and events for people who feel regular ballrooms lack sufficient branding opportunities. Early bookings include several charity fundraisers for causes that definitely aren’t tax-advantaged real estate schemes, probably.
At press time, the ballroom’s gift shop was already accepting pre-orders for commemorative gold-plated souvenirs that cost more than most people’s mortgages.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/trumps-300-million-ballroom/
SOURCE: Bohiney Magazine (Trump’s $300 Million Ballroom: Where Democracy Goes to Get Fancy)
Gina Mann