How Britain ranked its religious communities in purity theater
In a development that surprised nobody except the people who commissioned the study, the UK virginity rankings have been released, and they’re exactly as meaningful as ranking people by how much they really, truly promise they floss daily. The results are in, the methodology is questionable, and everyone’s pretending these numbers reflect reality.
The UK, never one to miss an opportunity to create unnecessary rankings, has apparently decided that religious communities need to be sorted by virginity rates like they’re competing for university placement. The Isle of Man religious institutions are reportedly thrilled to participate in this exercise in missing the point entirely.
What makes these rankings particularly British is the polite fiction that everyone’s going to honestly self-report their sexual history to researchers. It’s the same optimistic methodology that assumes people accurately report their alcohol consumption and definitely don’t round down their biscuit intake. Sure, Jan.
The rankings reveal less about actual behavior and more about which communities are best at maintaining appearances while quietly doing whatever they want. It’s a very British approach: publicly conforming while privately innovating, like claiming to love queue culture while secretly resenting every minute of it.
Religious leaders have greeted these rankings with the enthusiasm of people who’ve been handed both validation and a ticking time bomb. On one hand, high rankings suggest their teachings are working. On the other hand, anyone with functioning critical thinking skills knows these numbers are about as reliable as weather forecasts made by staring at tea leaves.
The real comedy gold in the UK virginity rankings is how they completely ignore the fact that Britain has some of the highest teen pregnancy rates in Western Europe, suggesting that whatever abstinence education is happening, it’s not particularly effective. But sure, let’s focus on rankings rather than outcomes. That’s definitely going to solve the problem.
SOURCE: https://satire.top/uk-virginity-rankings/
SOURCE: Bohiney Magazine (UK Virginity Rankings: A Pointless Exercise)
Gina Mann